I have two boys ages 13 and 15. Their father, my ex-husband, and most of his family were and are alcoholics. We divorced when they were 1 and 4. It was difficult for them to understand why their father was not a part of their lives as much as they would have liked. He would tell them he had to work a lot, and that he could not see them because of work. I did the best I could not to sugar-coat things for them because I wanted them to experience themselves what their father was all about so they would not blame me for keeping them away.
As my oldest reached the age of 10 or 11, I started talking to him about the real reasons his father was not around, and that he was not really working like he claimed. At first they were angry with me for talking about their father in a manner that was negative. I would only share small amounts of information at a time. Eventually, they started asking questions as the comments I made weighed on their minds. I would answer each question and not add any additional information unless they questioned further. I figured I would let them soak in as much as they were ready to each time we had the discussion.
Now my older son, who is a sophomore in high school, and I have started talking more about alcoholism and what that means. I want him to be aware of the odds of him becoming an alcoholic, given his father’s family history. We went on a hike one day and I talked to him in a very matter-of-fact manner and was mindful not to sound attacking or condemning. My 13-year-old is now reaching the age where I need to have an in-depth talk with him, too.
I also share with my boys information I have through my occupation as a probation officer. I want them to know the devastation that alcohol can cause the individual, their family and the community. They listen with interest and sometimes can’t believe what I see on the job, but I assure them that there really are people out there doing all of the things I discuss. It may seem drastic or like a scared-straight approach, but I see it as the truth. I believe they are at an age where the truth needs to be told.
Soon my boys will be talking to their friends about alcohol or going to gatherings where alcohol is present, so we practice what they will do or say in those situations. I also ask for feedback from them (“what would you do if you saw or talked to someone acting this way or engaged in that behavior?”). It is really interesting to hear their input and ideas. Peer pressure is huge, but I also believe if kids practice what to say, when situations arise they will be more comfortable saying and doing the right thing.
-- Kathy, Prescott